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How To Guard Against Destructive Quarrels That Are Likely To Occur In Relationships

by on October 23, 2011 >> 13 Comments
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The first step in guarding against quarrels in relationships, is to identify the types of quarrels that are likely to occur, and learn about them. Quarrels in relationships can be categorized as being in one of three categories: acute, progressive, or habituated. Knowing all about them will help you learn how to avoid getting into them, or constructively deal with them, should they arise. First up is:-

Acute Quarrels:

These are usually sharp and loud in tone. They are most common in new marriages when each partner is jockeying for position within the union. Among the problems that need to be worked out are, personal habits, how money is spent, in-laws, sex, and family planning. Ominously, when the partners are genuinely in love, they may hide their anger and resentment to avoid hurting each other. Then suddenly, the built-up resentments explode with the force, and unpredictability of a volcanic eruption. The point here is to try to ventilate your anger early, when it will do less damage.

Progressive Quarrels:

Quarrels become progressive when couples fail to focus on their differences and make the necessary adjustments. Conflicts blend into one another, ultimately snowballing into a verbal brawl in which the combatants zero in on each other’s weaknesses. This is a very dangerous type of quarrel as issues are intertwined, making it a lot more volatile and because each party is looking for the other’s weak area, it becomes much easier for name calling and belittling of each other to enter the conflict. The problem is, even after the quarrel ends, scars will remain. If you want to safeguard your relationship or marital happiness, try to keep fights from festering this way by dealing with each problem as soon as they arise.

Habituated Quarrels:

This type of conflict is what results after couples recognize that there are some issues on which they will never agree, and where accommodation is the best they can hope for. They learn to “sidestep” problem issues as often as possible, and they strive to avoid investing these issues with too much emotion when they do surface. This category of conflict may not imply as much danger to a relationship or marriage as the others, but be sure not to shove too many issues under the rug this way.

Most marriage counselors consider the statement “we never fight” to be a sign that a marriage is in jeopardy. That is because all couples have to experience some conflict, as no two people are alike, and even though they are married and the two become “one” they are still actually two different people with most things not in common with each other. It is both human and healthy to disagree occasionally. The key is to do it fairly and constructively, sticking to the issues at hand and avoiding the temptation to dig up past hurts. This way each partner asserts his or her individuality, and the couple can learn about each other and deepen their relationship. Strong relationships are built by working through these difficulties, not by trying to avoid them.

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13 Responses to How To Guard Against Destructive Quarrels That Are Likely To Occur In Relationships

  1. Katherine on October 23, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    Awesome post Marie! Too many marriages are falling apart because couples do not have the knowledge, skill, and sometimes patience to work things through.

    I have never had it explained and broken down like you have it here. The progressive category sounds like the absolute worst. I do not believe the majority of relationships could get through that, but for the few who get through I can just imagine they get stronger.

    Fights are indeed healthy, just have to know how to do it fairly.

  2. Steve on October 24, 2011 at 9:26 am

    I believe that one partner always has to keep quiet in order to cool down the situation. There must be a mutual understanding between the partners. When one is angry, the other has to maintain his/her cool and vice versa. This is the best way to avoid quarrels.
    Steve recently posted..“I was embarrassed, that was embarrassing…”: Say So Long to Embarrassment!My Profile

    • Marie on October 24, 2011 at 10:28 pm

      I think that would definitely help Steve. If one partner in every issue that arise try to stay calm, then things should calm down sooner. I guess that will depend on the one who is least offended.

      Learning about the different types of conflicts and how to deal with them, will also be an advantage should any conflict arise.
      Marie recently posted..How To Guard Against Destructive Quarrels That Are Likely To Occur In RelationshipsMy Profile

  3. Sandy on October 24, 2011 at 11:31 am

    Well it’s sure nice to know about all that, but I just cannot figure out how to not be at each others throat so often. It is a pretty difficult task being in a relationship with someone let alone being married and sharing nearly everything – all the time!

    I guess they say love conquers all. No matter how we argue, at the end of the day we know we love each other and got each others’ back.

  4. Maggie on October 24, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    Wow! That holding things inside until it festers is a deep seated bomb waiting to explode. I think the habituated is more likely than not to be in most relationships. Certainly not going to agree on everything; just have to agree to disagree on some issues.

    Thanks for sharing this post Marie; just learn something new today.

  5. Rochelle on October 25, 2011 at 5:04 am

    I think some people just tend to agree with their partner to avoid quarrels, in my relationship my partner just keeps quiet.

    • Marie on October 25, 2011 at 10:42 am

      Hi Rochelle, your partner keeping quiet seems to be working for you. Hopefully, he is not hiding his anger or resentment to avoid hurting you, which could lead to a possible explosion when he has contained too much.

      I would be worried if my partner keeps quiet all the time, while I am spilling my gut. I would want to know what is going on inside as much as possible.

      It is healthier to have arguments where both party participate.

      Thanks for sharing.
      Marie recently posted..How To Guard Against Destructive Quarrels That Are Likely To Occur In RelationshipsMy Profile

  6. John on October 25, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    Very interesting information Marie. It certainly helps to know. I believe that keeping quiet at all times whenever there is an issue or conflict is a bad idea. This could definitely accumulate to something big and bad.

  7. Sharyl Rennie on June 27, 2015 at 10:02 am

    Name calling is a killer of any relationship! If a couple can learn to stay on topic, then they will have only healthy arguments or discussions.

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